mom guilt

I drafted this post on March 28th. The latest updates from March 29th are at the bottom.

I’ve been keeping a secret. My last post is accurate, except I wrote it while I was in the hospital with Sebastian.

On Wednesday, March 25th, after a post-op check up with Sebastian’s surgeon, we had to take him to the ER.

the guilt that comes with a sick child during the corona pandemic

The night before his appointment he was coughing every 20-30 minutes, and spitting up phlegm. After the doctor told us about Sebastian’s Tracheomalacia at his last operation, I 100% assumed it was related to that, and she would get Seb some antibiotics or something, and we’d go home. Le sigh.

Instead, Sebastian and I have been at the hospital in isolation since Wednesday morning. As a mother, I am ashamed of myself. It’s so hard to tell when he is sick because of his natural gunky sound, and so I waited too long and now he’s hospitalized. And during this enormous scare??

So Wednesday was hard. I pretended to be strong with Daniel and my family, but as soon as I was alone in that hospital room (thanks to pandemic single visitor rules) I bawled my eyes out and ended up with a migraine.

I did it to him again. We are in this situation again.

the guilt that comes with a sick child during the corona pandemic

There is a red X taped onto the hospital room door because before entering, one must wash up, and don a mask, gloves, and plastic robe in a separate room. We are in isolation due to the possibility of Covid-19. It feels like a he-who-shall-not-be-named situation. Although I have been informed that test results are taking up to a week to get back, I still ask about “any new results.” Nobody wants to say the name.

The door with the X is the usual entry way that was blocked because we were in isolation. The door on the right was the isolation entrance where you grabbed gloves, a plastic robe, mask, and the nurses had face shields before entering. And then removing them and washing up before exiting.

I am searching for every sliver of a silver lining. Sebastian tested positive for Rhinovirus, which is a common cold that can lead to pneumonia, which was the initial prognosis. Because he tested positive for the Rhinovirus, it is less likely that he has the Coronavirus. FINGERS CROSSED AND SAY A PRAYER.

So here we are. He still has gunk in his lungs and is intubated, so we are either waiting to be medically cleared and put ourselves in self quarantine until the results come back, or get the results and wait out his sickness in this hospital room straight out of the scarlet letter.

Everyone has been super nice and great, and haven’t treated us like a giant germ, but it’s horrifying to think that we may have put others in jeopardy.

Please send prayers, good vibes, positivity – and a smidge of negativity in the form of a very scary test result.

March 29th UPDATE

If you look at the clock, these door photos are about 4 minutes apart. The isolation entrance room has since shut off its light – no longer in use.

The nurse and respiratory therapist were changing out the tape on Sebastian’s breathing tube and feeding line when one of the doctors looked through the main door’s (red X) window. He ran off into the secondary room (main entrance in isolation rooms) and peeked through the door. I started to get nervous. He seemed so anxious that I immediately expected to hear about the corona results. The nurse was surprised he wanted to come in because entry is limited in our types of rooms. He opened the door and said the corona results came back negative and I threw my hands up to my face and almost started to cry. Such relief. Imagine a “cold” this bad during a pandemic. Seriously, life, thanks for finally throwing us a dang bone.

Unrelated, Sebastian’s breathing and feeding tube came out today. It’s been about 3 hours or so and he is doing great. He’s wearing a nasal cannula for now, snoozing on and off, and is released to nurse.

Once he is medically cleared we are headed home to get back to hunkering down. At least I can control the room temperature there. 🙂

Someone get me a jumbo margarita, stat.

PS I miss these kiddos. And my husband. And my bed.

Photo thanks to my parents. Look at those curls. Look at those thighs. 🙂

roxy

11 Comments

  1. Poor Sebastian and poor mom!! I hope you both get much needed rest.

  2. Girl, strength and grace often grow out of total meltdowns. You’re entitled…as beautiful as this new family life is, it’s going to be messy at times. Give YOURSELF some grace and God some thanks. You’re a great mom with too many feels all at once. Keep on keeping on. You are a spectacular, beautiful Mama Bear. Roar when you need to.❤️

  3. Oh sweet Roxy,
    Try not to be so hard on yourself (I know, I know, almost impossible bc you’re a MOM). This isn’t your fault. You are doing the very best that you can in uncharted waters. I will keep your family in my prayers. Just love on that boy – no one else can give him a mother’s love. Concentrate on getting home to your beautiful family. Much love to you all. ❤️

    • thank you so much. i just want to cuddle with him again. <3

  4. So sorry you are going through all this with your sweet baby. I am glad you are both heading home. Sending lots of love of positive vibes your way. Keep safe. Love, Leila

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