so THAT happened

I’ve been wanting to blast this news basically since the beginning. Announcing a pregnancy is touchy because of the unfortunate turns that might occur, but it’s frustrating because I have been “showing” for about 2 weeks already. Plus the sudden fatigue and nausea (and migraines) make me feel like a lazy weakling, and I wanted to explain myself!

Anyway, I want to share with you the insanity that has been going on within my brain – and outside of it.

First of all:

But I’ll get into that later.

Because this is a popular question – no, this wasn’t completely planned. Daniel and I had discussed possibly having a second child, but weren’t worried about a timeline for it. He and I were pretty content with our threesome. Even if Lila hugging on her life size Moana piñata may have unknowingly pressured me into thoughts of a sibling…

So things happened and I realized I was a few days late. Come April Fools Day I thought my body was playing tricks on me (har har), but alas, both pregnancy tests showed positive. It didn’t feel real. I took two more tests the following week – same result. I told my family and they were thrilled. I was a bit excited, but mostly just feeling unprepared.

Fast forward to our doctor visit and the ultrasound. The tech found the baby and we listened to the heart beat. Then she told me to lay still. Then she told me to hold my breath. I was scared, thinking maybe she found something out of place with the babe.

“Yep. There’s a second one.”

Daniel and I:

The first thing I said was, “But I’m such a small person…”

At the time, baby A was measuring up to speed, but baby B was about a week behind, size-wise. We were told there was a possibility baby B would be absorbed by baby A if it stopped growing. Things I imagined:

We were in complete shock. I didn’t even think to ask any of the important questions. I didn’t even know what those would be. Upon arrival to my appointment I was basically like, “This isn’t my first rodeo,” but by the time I left, everything was new. More appointments, more ultrasounds, more questions – for later apparently.

At the second appointment a couple weeks later, the babies were basically caught up to each other. I assumed baby B would be reabsorbed because I didn’t think there was any way we could have twins. Like…what?? This isn’t a dream?? My sister kept telling me to stop saying that, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Everything is going to change.

Second popular question – the only twin in my family (that I am aware of) is my grandma on my dad’s side. Fraternal, I believe. None on Daniel’s side.

Before I get to the hard stuff – the cravings started really early. The first thing I absolutely needed was tuna. Popsicles, sandwiches, sushi – there have been many since. Mostly there are aversions, which I don’t recall having as much with Lila. It has drastically limited what I’ve been consuming. Hopefully the second trimester will help a bit. I also never had any nausea with Lila, but up until recently, I was nauseous every morning and then starving all day. Or I felt nauseous because I was so hungry! I started bringing large paper bags to work filled with meals and snacks just to keep the nausea at bay.

With Lila I had insane migraines, but with this pregnancy I’ve only had one really bad one, and a few almost migraines…granted they last for days at a time.

As for showing – at ten weeks I had to put a hairband around my jeans’ buttons because they were uncomfortable. I googled how early a second pregnancy with twins might show, and saw that many women were already in maternity bottoms by 9 weeks. So I caved and have been wearing leggings and baggy tops, or straight up maternity bottoms. The 11th week going into the 12th week was when it became difficult to hide my bump. Most of my “baggy” t-shirts became snug, and I started running out of non-cinched (aka non obvious) maternity attire. Also: boobs.

Okay, going into the heavy stuff. My hormones are going haywire, and my emotions are following suit. Most days are fine, but sometimes I need a moment in the storage room at work and just cry because I am overwhelmed. Or I will shed a few tears on my way to work thinking about things I won’t be able to do anymore, things I won’t have time for… Mornings are the worst in the emotions department, but really they come and go as they please. I’m not sharing this for pity, I’m sharing on the chance that someone can relate, give advice, or feel normal. This is different than when I was pregnant with Lila. Things were planned, prepared. This is a shock to the system. Over time I’ve become somewhat excited, but still mostly scared.

Scared because I’m going to have another c-section and be useless for a month, at least. With my blood pressure and iron issues, it’s enough to worry again, especially how it could effect the babies. Scared because three children on two teacher salaries makes me nervous. Scared because my cats will have to get along, and I really don’t want them to fight. Scared because I am so small and am afraid something will happen. Scared because sharing these feelings and thoughts might anger those who consider this situation nothing but a blessing. Things happen for a reason. I know that I will love these babies and love what my family becomes, and in no way am I wishing this were not the case. But the unknown is scary, change it hard, and this is a big one.

So please don’t be too hard on me. I’m just hoping that the transition into the second trimester will calm my crazies, and make me see clearly. Reading books about twin pregnancies has made me see that these feelings, thoughts, and emotions are completely normal. But for those that have never experienced them, please don’t judge too harshly.

The support we have received thus far has been amazing. Daniel is the best and his excitement and compassion has helped me through this “sudden” change. Lila is going to be the best big sister, and I know I am going to love my new life, even if I miss sleep and free time. I’ll look back on the hard years eventually. And it will all have been worth it.

So coming November 2019, whether we are ready or not, double Beckers. Oh, and they’re fraternal. ❤️❤️

roxy

18 Comments

  1. Oh my goodness sweetheart! I’m so excited for you all! Lila will be an amazing big sister I’m sure of it!! Congratulations!!

  2. Lila is so precious and smart! Congratulations to you all! I’ve been following so long I feel like I know you and I’m thrilled for you. <3

    • Thank you so much! That means a lot. Lila will be such a helpful big sis, too. ❤️❤️❤️

  3. DOUBLE BECKERS 🚒 (the buses?) 😍🥰🤓

    What a read!!! Your story telling style always pulls me in, and tonight the gifs we’re making me laugh. I’m empathetic about the sudden changes twins bring, especially on a small body. My sister had twins, size small and narrow. The shock will eventually begin to settle, and you can do this! My sister is proof, and the good feelings eventually start to come in, and you’ll feel the scale shift. You got this, one day at a time is the best route to get you there <3

    • Thank you for the kind words, LA! I love your wording: “you’ll feel the scales shift.” That’s exactly what I’m hoping for. ❤️

  4. Congratulations!! You can do this. Prayers for an amazing “rest” of your pregnancy journey. Best wishes for an amazing delivery and nothing but joy and minimal diaper changing. Lol. Lila will have the best time ever with the twins. Too fun!!

    • Thank you! I hope I can rest this summer! 😂❤️ Lila will be great!

  5. The Beckers are like Texas, they do everything BIG!!! We are very HAPPY for all 5 of you. God Bless and protect all of you. We will get you a Gurney to carry your tummy. With Lila you were big, with 2 I can’t imagine. En hora buena.

    • Ha! You got that right! I’ll definitely be wed a maternity belt. 😂

  6. So freaking excited for y’all!!! Also girl all of those fears and feelings are 100% normal and you have every right to freak out just a little. Sending y’all so much love!!!

    • Thank you, Meagan! Sharing has definitely helped a lot. ❤️

  7. Congratulations! That is really exciting news! My husband and I talk often about having a second child (our first is almost three) but we have a similar situation with salary vs childcare. If you don’t mind me asking who will watch the children? I am curious because I have been wondering the same if I have two! Daycare is outrageous. Regardless everything always just seems to work out, even when money is tight! Congrats again!

    • We are really lucky to have found a private childcare provider that is very reasonably priced and has been such a great program for Lila. The woman has agreed to take on two more, thank goodness. My parents also help us three days a week by picking up early so I don’t have to make the drive out there to pick up. It’ll definitely put a big hole in our budget, but it would still benefit us both to work. Le sigh. Haha

  8. Well, you put my previous freakout into perspective. I was having a mild freakout that I might be pregnant and having yet another December baby. Which isn’t the worst, but it is an incredibly stressful time (for like everyone, but particularly for my husband because it means a month of parties and traveling, which isn’t really his scene)

    I can’t imagine working and paying for daycare. I did it very shortly, and my husband was making too much to get government help (for daycare or healthcare) but the daycare practically ate up my paycheck. In the end we decided we weren’t really pocketing anything in between the daycare and the doctor visits (from our little guy getting sick FROM daycare)

    Congrats and good luck with the journey

    • It’s insane the amount of decisions and considerations one must make when becoming a parent. Like NUTS. We haven’t figured it out completely, but with my insurance covering the kids, and Daniel paying for our *very* reasonably priced daycare, it’s still makes more sense (cents? harhar) for me to keep working. Oy…

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